Gifts for Widows and Widowers: Getting Through the First Holidays, and What to Write

We sell a $35 personalized mug gift box, printed, packed and shipped to each person's address. This guide covers the other options too.

Key facts

• Holidays can be especially hard. Writing for The Conversation, clinical psychologist J. Kim Penberthy says "holidays and special occasions like a birthday or Mother's Day can be especially difficult" for those grieving (PBS News).
• Say the name. The National Institute on Aging: "Sometimes, people hesitate to bring up the loss or mention the name of the person who died because they worry this can be hurtful. But many people may find it helpful to talk directly about their loss" (NIA).
• One line is enough. Emily Post: "A single sincere line expressing the genuine feeling you had for the deceased is all you need to write" (Emily Post).
• Grief isn't a problem to fix. Penberthy again: "Remember that grief is not a problem to be solved, but a process to be supported" (PBS News).

Why are the first holidays so hard?

Because the holidays are built around the people who aren't there. Penberthy puts it this way: "Holidays and special occasions, which often include family gatherings, traditions and reminders of what's missing, can amplify this pain, leaving those grieving feeling isolated and overwhelmed" (PBS News).

For someone who has lost a husband or wife, the first year is full of firsts: the first Christmas, the first anniversary alone, the first birthday of the person who died. The National Institute on Aging adds a practical layer: "Some people who have lost a loved one lose interest in cooking and eating," and "Those who are both widowed and retired may feel very lonely" (NIA).

A gift can't fix any of that. What it can do is say, on a hard week, that someone remembered.

Should you mention the person who died?

Yes, gently, and by name. The NIA notes that people hesitate "because they worry this can be hurtful," but that "many people may find it helpful to talk directly about their loss" (NIA).

Penberthy suggests words like these: "I've been thinking about (their loved one) and how much they meant to you," and, if you're stuck, "I don't have the right words, but I'm here for you." Penberthy also lists what to leave out: "Avoid phrases like 'They're in a better place' or 'Everything happens for a reason.' While the intentions behind them are often good, these platitudes can feel dismissive" (PBS News).

A shared memory helps, but it's not required. Emily Post: "If you have a specific memory about the deceased it will be a welcome addition, but this is completely optional" (Emily Post).

What to give: things that ask nothing of them

The kindest gifts in a first year need no thank-you note, no setting up and no decision. Penberthy's advice is to "Offer practical help," naming "cooking, shopping or child care" (PBS News).

Our view: an object for an ordinary morning is easier to receive than a memorial. A mug they reach for with their coffee carries your thoughts without asking them to put it on display.

When to send it

• Aim for a few days before the holiday (our suggestion), so the package can arrive on an ordinary day, with the card there to be read when they're ready.
• The other first-year dates. The wedding anniversary, their person's birthday, Mother's or Father's Day if it applies, and the anniversary of the death. Put them in your calendar now.
• Later, too. In the first days after a death, food for the household and a note come first. Cards and casseroles arrive in the first weeks; a note in month ten, when the cards have stopped, lands differently.
• Their customs first. If they're observing a mourning period with its own customs, ask someone in their community what's welcome before you send anything.

Delivery dates are carrier estimates, not guarantees, and run slower in mid-December, so send early rather than aiming for the day itself.

What to write in the card

Short, sincere, with their person's name, and with nothing they have to answer. Lines to adapt:

• "Thinking of you this Christmas, and of Tom. I still laugh about his terrible carols. I'll call on the 26th."
• "No need to call or write back. I just wanted you to have something warm this week, and to know we're thinking of you and David."
• "Hi {first name}. I'm thinking of you and Ruth this Christmas. I'm bringing dinner on the 23rd; you don't have to do a thing."
• "I don't have the right words, but I'm here for you. I miss Joe too."
• "Thinking of you and Mark on your anniversary. Forty-one years is worth remembering out loud."

Your name goes in the sign-off ("With love, Ana"), which prints under the message, so leave it out of the message itself.

For more ways to stay close from far away: personal gifts for people you love who live far away.

If you send our box

Our box is a quiet one: a mug, hot cocoa and chocolate, and your card, with nothing to assemble. If it fits the person, it's the personalized mug gift box shipped to their door.

• What's inside. One 11 oz white ceramic mug; a 1.5 oz packet of Ghirardelli premium hot cocoa and 4 Lindt LINDOR milk chocolate truffles, packed inside the mug; black tissue; and your printed card, in an envelope closed with a gold wax-seal sticker, all in a matte-black gift box with a magnetic lid. $35, delivered.
• On the mug. A few words (our suggestion: 25 characters or fewer) in a choice of 3 fonts, such as their own name or "Sunday coffee", or a photo or design up to about 3 in tall. The fonts print Latin letters, including most accents; non-Latin scripts and emoji can't print yet. A photo of the person who died only if you're sure it's wanted. We remove location and camera data from photos before they're stored.
• The card. Printed (not handwritten), with no logo or brand: one message and one sign-off per order, up to 300 characters. The message can include {first name}, filled in from the address list, and you preview the card before you pay. The order page tells you if a message is too long to print.
• Discreet. It ships in a plain white carton. The return address shows PersonalizedGiftsDelivered.com, never your name; your name appears only on the card inside.

Ships within 2 business days of a complete order (your design, your address list and payment). Ships by USPS Ground Advantage or UPS Ground, with tracking, and usually arrives 2–5 business days after it ships. Delivery dates are carrier estimates, not guarantees, and run slower in mid-December. For Christmas delivery, Personalized Gifts Delivered's order-by date is Tuesday, December 15.

What to know before you order

• The tissue seal reads "Happy Holidays". This season, the black tissue inside is closed with a small gold seal with those words. The card on the lid, read first, carries only your words.
• The card is printed, not handwritten. Your message and sign-off are printed on a textured card, in an envelope closed with a gold wax-seal sticker.
• The treats: LINDOR truffles contain milk, soy and barley malt (gluten); read the labels.
• Where we ship: from New York to the lower 48 states and Washington, DC, except Texas for now. No Alaska, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, other US territories, APO/FPO or international addresses.

When you can't be there

From a distance, the gift this page describes is something warm that asks nothing of them, with their person's name in your words. Personalized Gifts Delivered sends that, finished, to their door: a mug with a few words you choose, Ghirardelli hot cocoa and 4 Lindt LINDOR milk chocolate truffles packed inside it, and your card lying on the lid, so it's read before the box opens. It's packed by hand, with foam around the mug, in a plain white carton. There's nothing for you to shop for, pack or mail, and nothing for them to assemble or answer. It's $35, delivered.